By Roslyn Ryan
Editor

A new song for the season
Editor’s note: The following is re imagining of that classic Christmas tune, Jingle Bells—composed after a brush with Black Friday hysteria.

Dashing down Route 60
As fast as I can fly
Headed to the mall
To see what I can buy

I’ll find all the deals
I’ll look both high and low
That crazy gleam that’s in my eye?
That’s just my ‘Christmas Glow!’

Chorus:
Oh, shopping spree, shopping spree
Spend into the red!
Oh what fun it is to buy
A scarf for cousin Ned
(Who never buys me anything, by the way. Ever)

Slow lady in my way
Clogging up the line
Those overpriced soaps in her cart
They simply must be mine!!

These sweaters are so vile
And three sizes too small
But the price is so darn good
I have to buy them all

Oh, shopping spree, shopping spree
Spend into the red!
Oh what fun it is to buy
A Kindle for cousin Ned
(I mean, really, why am I doing this? I have literally not even seen the guy in three years. )

So many gifts to wrap
And ribbons left to tie
And fighting for the last iPhone
I got poked in the eye

I’ll never get it done
I’m wiped out and it shows
I’m up to my butt in cards to write
And about to drown in bows

I do this every year,
Turn Christmas joy to dread
Next year I’ll say ‘to heck with it’
And book a cruise instead

Oh, shopping spree, shopping spree
Spend into the red!
Oh what fun it is to buy
A ratchet set for cousin Ned
(Did I mention he was my second cousin? That’s it—you know what? I’m not getting him anything. Whatever. I am so over the holidays.)