Have you ever considered domestic violence and your child? It seems to be the forgotten danger, something that could never happen to “our” children.

When our teenagers begin to date, the last thing we typically think of is the possibility that they will be abused. Yet statistics prove that “our” children are just as vulnerable as any others are to dating/domestic violence. In a 2006 study by the U.S. Bureau of Justice, 500 random young women ages 14 to 22 were surveyed. Out of the 500, 60 percent of them reported that they had either been in or were currently in an abusive relationship.

Out of 200 boys in the same age group, 34 percent reported being emotionally or verbally abused by their girlfriends. By the time that they graduated high school, 1/3 of girls and 1/6 of boys had already experienced an abusive or controlling relationship.

Also, 40 percent of those teenagers reported that they knew someone their age who had been hit or beaten by a significant other. If that isn’t enough to initiate a conversation with your teenager then consider this, in 2006’s murder statistics of people aged 15-25, as many as 12 percent were murdered by their intimate partner.

We teach our children not to talk to strangers. We educate them about STDs, safe sex and abstinence. We instruct them on the dangers of cigarettes, alcohol and drugs but we never think to tell them about domestic violence. This is a message that our daughters and our sons need to hear. It could save their lives just as much as warning them about drinking and driving. In fact, our children are four times more likely to be involved in domestic violence than they are to drug overdoses, drinking and driving accidents and natural disease deaths combined. It hits every sex, race, creed and religious background. Intimate partner violence doesn’t discriminate for any reason whatsoever. Teens need to be able to recognize the warning signs and red flags that may arise in the beginning of a potentially abusive relationship. It is extremely important to be aware of certain types of behavior before you or especially your child find that it is too late.

Typically, by the time a person realizes that they are in an abusive relationship, the abuser has so much control over them that it is almost impossible to get away.

With the vast majority of teenagers, if her partner gets upset when she is seen hugging another boy, she thinks that it is cute. If he asks her not to go to the mall without him, she thinks that he is simply being protective. If he belittles her in front of peers, she just brushes it off thinking that he is just being a guy and showing off for his friends. I am not saying that she is wrong for thinking these things but if she is, she may pay with her life.

Think about these examples, and yes, a young man could also experience these same things just as easily as a young woman. Their partner calls them names at times (stupid, ugly, etc.) but “was only playing.” An occasional comment that hurts your feelings is one thing, the question is, what is their response once you let them know that it has hurt you? Do they sincerely apologize and never do it again or do the comments continue or even escalate?

Another sign is when their partner doesn’t want them to spend as much time with their friends, family or hobbies as they used to. Of course when you date, you want to spend a lot of time together. However, when they are made to feel bad or guilty for wanting time without their partner or if it becomes a constant thing, something is wrong. If their partner puts down people that they care about and/or starts trivial disagreements between them and others it could be a sign of isolation and that is never a good thing. Sometimes they may get phone calls several times a day or are asked to “check in.” Basically, their partner needs to always know where they are, who they are with and what they are doing. Their partner tries to change the clothing they wear or their grooming habits. Both of these examples show control and possessiveness. There is nothing cute, protective or loving about any of these things. I am not suggesting that any one or all of these things mean that their partner will become abusive but it is something to keep an eye on.

If you asked any person who has been abused, physically or emotionally by their partner, not one would say that they saw it coming. What begins as a little touch of jealousy and possessiveness soon turns to total control.

Being hit is not the only form of abuse but often it is what will come next if a person stays in an controlling/obsessive relationship. Typically it is only when verbal abuse, control and manipulation fail to be enough that the physical violence begins. It is imperative that young people are able to recognize these signs and to escape the relationship before it can get to that point. I can only tell you some of the warning signs but honestly the most important thing is for you as a parent to keep an open line of communication with your child. Let them know that abuse is never okay and if they are abused, it is nothing for them to be ashamed of or to feel guilty about. They should never be scared or embarrassed to come to you for help. Another thing is to always trust your gut instinct. If you meet their girlfriend/boyfriend or just notice some behavior between them that just doesn’t sit well or feel right, trust it absolutely. Educate them and yourself that the following signs and examples need to be taken seriously and never ignored.

The first step is to be able to recognize emotional and verbal abuse for what it truly is and to never downplay or tolerate it. Always remember, this kind of abuse is just the beginning. It is the starting point. Actually, it is more of a test than anything else. It tells the other person just how much you will put up with. If you do tolerate and forgive that behavior, the next time they can and will go further and further. This is absolutely how 100 percent of violent relationships begin. Please make sure that you stress to them that they have to walk away from a relationship at the very hint of abuse even if it is verbal or emotional.

Someone who truly cares about you is not going to call you names or criticize you for any reason. If they do criticize, name-call or insult you and it hurts your feelings yet they continue to do it, this is abuse!  If someone “threatens” you that if you do or don’t do something, they will break up with you, won’t love you anymore, etc., this is abuse! If someone is sarcastic with you or speaks and/or acts disrespectful to you after being told that you don‘t like it, that is abuse! If someone uses your own guilt against you (if you loved me you would /wouldn’t), this is abuse!  If they put you down (anything that makes you feel bad or unworthy) either in public or in private, this is abuse! If they use any form of manipulation (you must love your best friend more if you want to go out with them instead of me), this is abuse!

Someone that truly, honestly cares about you wants to build you up, they never tear you down. They would never dismiss or try to control your feelings. They would never “show off for their friends” by making you feel bad. The main thing is that if you find yourself or your child with someone who does these kinds of things in anyway at all, leave them immediately! Love is not supposed to hurt, nor is it supposed to make you feel bad in any way. If either ever becomes the case, then it is not real love.

Note if the person has a temper and gets into arguments or fights easily, and yes this means fighting others. Do they throw, punch or hit things when they are mad? Are they moody or agitated often for no obvious reason? Do they seem to get very upset over things that most people would just brush off? These are signs that they cannot control their emotions or anger. They probably even blame others for their outrage; it’s never their fault when they lose control.

Any and all of these examples can tell you everything that you need to know about the person‘s ability to control themselves and their emotions. It is easy to think, “well, he/she does act that way with other people but never with me” but give it time. There will come a day when you are alone with that person and you disagree over something and before you know it, you will be the one they are attacking. Every single domestic violence survivor, including myself, thought the same thing at one point and we were all wrong. Make absolutely sure that your child understands that one hit is all it takes.

If you need more information for yourself or your family there are several web sites for teenage domestic violence. Loveisnotabuse.com, loveisrespect.org and focusas.com/Violence are a few good places to start.

If you think that your child may be in an abusive relationship and you can’t find information there to help them, you can call the Liz Claiborne “Love is respect” phone-line, open 24/7, at 866-331-9474.

If you or your teenager are interested in attending a seminar on this topic or would like to send me questions, please feel free to contact me at . 

Powhatan Today welcomes submissions from county residents for My Point of View. For more information, contact editor Roslyn Ryan at (804) 598-4305 or e-mail .

Submissions can be mailed to 3229 Anderson Highway, Powhatan, Va. 23139.