“All I won’t for 2008”

I’m not much on New Year’s resolutions. It’s not that there is not a long list of personal things that I should resolve to attack over the next twelve months, it’s that I know I won’t. I’m pretty much Old School on giving my word, so I just don’t make promises that I’m not positive I will deliver on.

I have agreed to diet, however. Note that I did not say “go on a diet” which would indicate a structured program with rules, strict menus, scales and calorie counting. I have simply agreed to reduce my caloric intake. Please note that I have made no contractual obligation as to how many calories I am committed to excise.

Realistically, I visualize the procedure to be something achieved with surgical precision as opposed to the bulldozer technique Beloved Wife Pat has in mind.

With the wisdom accumulated over more than half a century, I have not verbalized this to my far better half, but simply nod my head and utter soft ummhh’s as she lays out our (her) battle plan for achieving the elusive state of svelteness.

Lest you think that I am being devious at best and cruel at worst consider this: Pat now gets out of bed at four a.m., goes to the Y and does the treadmill thing for one and a half hours. She mentioned something about a six degree or number six setting and multiple miles traveled, but I just make eye contact and do my head nodding thing. Then she’s off to work and a lunch break which allows for another five-mile walk. Back to the Y after work for Pilates, yoga or a step class. Now I do acknowledge that this regimen is producing results (for her that is; there does not appear to be any negative caloric osmosis from her to me, however.) I saw her once in daylight just last week and I would be willing to testify that she has indeed shed several ounces. Her level of frustration increased when she brought home a magazine article yesterday that stated men naturally lose weight faster than women. I understandingly nodded my head while finishing off my personal pan pizza. Complying with my plan, I didn’t eat the crust.

I have been feeling a little guilty about not making a stronger commitment to positive changes in the coming year, but knowing that I am not violating my personal code of honesty allows me to comfortably stuff that nonsense. I will offer my 2008 list of things I will NOT do, however.

I will not purchase any camouflage underwear, shower curtains, bath towels or bed clothing. (What could you possibly be hiding from in your underwear?)

I will not recognize NASCAR drivers as athletes. (I am not opposed to their inclusion in the Left Handed Hall of Fame, however.)

I will not recognize golfers as either athletes or sane individuals.

I will not agree that it is ever too wet or too cold to play football.

I will not recognize the existence of any institution of higher learning located in Durham, North Carolina. (And not just for this year...forever.)

I will not watch a soccer match just because there are no other sports programs on TV. (There are always cooking shows.)

I will never go to another lawn mower race. (Wearing a pink bicycle helmet and my Grandpaw is a Dude t-shirt.)

I will never forget T-baller Mark Mazza; young number five really knows how to play the game.

I will never recognize Barry Bonds as the home run king. (He’s never even met Mark Mazza).

I will not accept J.T. Colvin’s challenge to arm wrestle, even left handed. (The officiating in my last win got far too much scrutiny.)

I will not forget that you are never too small to be successful in sports. (I’ve seen Amy Zickefoose; Goochland High School’s 5’1” tower of power, play basketball.)

I will not under estimate the athleticism of volley ball players. (Particularly the girls. They’re amazing.)

I will not hire my cousin Jared to officiate events I compete in, ever again. (Far too dangerous.)

I will take neither myself nor yourself too seriously.

I will not eat pizza crust.